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All of these build a cushion of positivity, warmth, and trust between partners. He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, "I can't let you in here with that dog." He replies, "Oh, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer says, "Ok then, come on in." The second guy sees this and does the same thing. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife. Awesome! he shouts. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. I had only that single dollar, and I had to make a decision: Give it to his worthy cause or keep it. Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have., 25. Ive been so upset, Ive lost 20 pounds. If its that bad, why dont you just leave him? asks the other friend. We werent looking for the same thing, she explained. But hay its in my jeans. Shut up with the back talk, because if I wanted lip from you, Id sit on your face L.A. Casey, Dominic [Read: 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to], 11. W hen you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Hes now a seasoned veteran. Sharri82 5 yr. ago. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. Hes only got little legs. 5. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. ' Tim Vine, This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. .c_dVyWK3BXRxSN3ULLJ_t{border-radius:4px 4px 0 0;height:34px;left:0;position:absolute;right:0;top:0}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;margin-top:32px}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3 ._33jgwegeMTJ-FJaaHMeOjV{border-radius:9001px;height:32px;width:32px}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3 ._1wQQNkVR4qNpQCzA19X4B6{height:16px;margin-left:8px;width:200px}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:12px 0}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx ._29TSdL_ZMpyzfQ_bfdcBSc{-ms-flex:1;flex:1}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx .JEV9fXVlt_7DgH-zLepBH{height:18px;width:50px}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx ._3YCOmnWpGeRBW_Psd5WMPR{height:12px;margin-top:4px;width:60px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN{height:18px;margin-bottom:4px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._2E9u5XvlGwlpnzki78vasG{width:230px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN.fDElwzn43eJToKzSCkejE{width:100%}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._2kNB7LAYYqYdyS85f8pqfi{width:250px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._1XmngqAPKZO_1lDBwcQrR7{width:120px}._3XbVvl-zJDbcDeEdSgxV4_{border-radius:4px;height:32px;margin-top:16px;width:100%}._2hgXdc8jVQaXYAXvnqEyED{animation:_3XkHjK4wMgxtjzC1TvoXrb 1.5s ease infinite;background:linear-gradient(90deg,var(--newCommunityTheme-field),var(--newCommunityTheme-inactive),var(--newCommunityTheme-field));background-size:200%}._1KWSZXqSM_BLhBzkPyJFGR{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetBackgroundColor);border-radius:4px;padding:12px;position:relative;width:auto} These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. He replied, Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.. This is my first day driving a cab. A dog is a bitch, dogs bark. Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember! The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Im having a heart attack, cries the woman. Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. Milton Jones, Two fish are sitting in a tank. She sells seashells on the seashore. Milton Jones. What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next? This isnt my child. GCFL.net, A skeleton walks into a bar. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. "Women are like iPhones. The best time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. They were having an ongoing conversation on Snapchat when he stopped responding last week. [Read: 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life], 23. Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. Well, he really gets a kick out of it. How ironic that teasing is something that can both enhance connection and sever it. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. ._3oeM4kc-2-4z-A0RTQLg0I{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between} (Consider yourself warned! Then I served my country in Iraq. Uncle Teds hiding in your closet and hes got no clothes on!. Yo mama so ugly when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application. Sweatin' like a whore in . . She seemed surprised. Whats a Queen without her King? The landlady answers. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. A man is on trial for armed robbery. From the greats to the random internet memes, this was a list of the best smartass quotes for life, ex-loves, and general sassiness. And in the morning kick me in the head Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore You led me away from home 'Cause you didn't want to be alone You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried I suppose I could collect my books And get . He said Thanks! I said Dont mention it., I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. Ken Dodd. 80. Nature is beautiful and so am I. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, Where do you get your mussels? The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, Cross-training?Submitted by Dan Grabke, Q: Whats Edith Piafs favourite airline? ._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa{margin-top:8px}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa ._3EpRuHW1VpLFcj-lugsvP_{color:inherit}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa svg._31U86fGhtxsxdGmOUf3KOM{color:inherit;fill:inherit;padding-right:8px}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa ._2mk9m3mkUAeEGtGQLNCVsJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;color:inherit} When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money. Soccer was the first sport that many of us tried. Me: Yes. Tig Notaro, comedian. These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. Try these funny birthday jokes! Hope that helped raise your smartass quota for the week. What are you doing? the baffled psychiatrist asked. Since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements. Via Getty Images/Michael Heim / EyeEm. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners One in 1. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. I cant, says the poodle. We may not have grown up to bend it like Beckham, but we did have fun playing this game of fancy footwork, stamina, and collaboration. Next week is his First Communion., I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. This moment of friction gifts you access into your partners interior, their map of pain points and insecurities, as well as insights into your own patterns and beliefs. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Should be fun, but it costs $500. In an intimate partnership, we are going to step on each others toes from time to time. Yes, I said. Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. "c**tpuffin, "It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. Theyre full of small bells.. New to Amazon. I can only please one person a day. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? Start in England and drive west. When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. The day before both NBC and Fox confirmed she would not be making a return to the networks, Tamron Hall and Soledad O'Brien couldn't help but make a jibe at Megyn Kelly in New York. Why couldn't the defensive football player pass his test in school? Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor. "Can't You Take a Joke?": What to Do When Teasing Hurts Submitted by D.T. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} What else do you want? Id love to have a red Porsche, he says. Need the laughs to come fast? [Read: Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind]. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. Good news, he said. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. You know, this is my first operation. An impasta. I just couldnt do it anymore. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. Submitted by Christina Melton, I wouldnt want to fly Virgin. If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. Now what do you want? the woman asks. We missed the R!, Father! cries the young monk. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. Theres a smartass quote for that. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. You keep out of this! she yells. I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because Im still looking for ideas., 8. you couldn't kick jokes where is madeira citrine mined. Aha! Jokes > Funny Insults > You're stupid 15 Listen, the crook says, you dont want any trouble, and neither do I. Sadly, female airline pilots are still relatively rare. Corny Dad Jokes We're Embarrassed to Admit Made Us Laugh, 30 Nerd Jokes for People Who Embrace Their Inner Smarty-Pants, These Funny Math Jokes Truly Have No Equal, 20 Smart and Funny Examples of the Nerd Meme, 25 Parents Who Expertly Trolled Their Kids, You Won't Believe These Hilarious Tinder Pickup Lines Actually Worked, The 15 Funniest Harry Potter "Yo Mama" Jokes, 18 Super Funny and Creative Business Cards, Best Anti-Gun Jokes and One-Liners About Gun Control. Everyone loves a smartass, whether they want to admit it or not. What are you doing! says the husband. I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{margin-bottom:8px;position:relative}._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq._3-0c12FCnHoLz34dQVveax{max-height:63px;overflow:hidden}._1zPvgKHteTOub9dKkvrOl4{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word}._1dp4_svQVkkuV143AIEKsf{-ms-flex-align:baseline;align-items:baseline;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);bottom:-2px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap;padding-left:2px;position:absolute;right:-8px}._5VBcBVybCfosCzMJlXzC3{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText)}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI{position:relative;background-color:0;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);border:0;padding:0 8px}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:before{content:"";position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;border-radius:9999px;background:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);opacity:0}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:hover:before{opacity:.08}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:focus{outline:none}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:focus:before{opacity:.16}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI._2Z_0gYdq8Wr3FulRLZXC3e:before,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:active:before{opacity:.24}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:disabled,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[data-disabled],._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[disabled]{cursor:not-allowed;filter:grayscale(1);background:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50)}._2ZTVnRPqdyKo1dA7Q7i4EL{transition:all .1s linear 0s}.k51Bu_pyEfHQF6AAhaKfS{transition:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:block;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);border-radius:4px;padding:8px;margin-bottom:12px;margin-top:8px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-canvas);cursor:pointer}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:focus{outline:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK._3GG6tRGPPJiejLqt2AZfh4{transition:none;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO{cursor:pointer;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid transparent;border-radius:4px;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO:hover ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button);padding:4px}._1YvJWALkJ8iKZxUU53TeNO{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._3jyKpErOrdUDMh0RFq5V6f{-ms-flex:100%;flex:100%}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v,._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._3zTJ9t4vNwm1NrIaZ35NS6{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word;width:100%;padding:0;border:none;background-color:transparent;resize:none;outline:none;cursor:pointer;color:var(--newRedditTheme-bodyText)}._2JIiUcAdp9rIhjEbIjcuQ-{resize:none;cursor:auto}._2I2LpaEhGCzQ9inJMwliNO,._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{display:inline-block;margin-left:4px;vertical-align:middle}._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;margin-bottom:2px} The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. I said to her, Everything is so so white Grandma doesnt even know where the road is. She innocently replied, Grandma, its under the snow. Submitted by Bonnie Gronning, There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: Dental office parking only. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and Im as jittery as a cat.. Tempting fate, I tried it on. and Photobombed. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him., They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Theres no menu, you only get what you deserve. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, Okay, here you go!Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, You can come out of the computer now, Grandma! Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. "I'm not sure; I was born with them.". ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. Youre not trying to get a laugh in most cases, youre trying to insult. Finally, he hollers, Hey! She couldnt control her pupils. 3. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!, Im always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. 100 Good Comebacks Best Funny, Witty Comebacks Ever - Parade I have to walk back alone.Submitted by Harry Klein, A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctors office. lifeguard air ambulance new mexico hassan has plastic surgery hassan has plastic surgery Here are the fascinating origins of classic jokes. Student: A drinking problem. The first guy says, Lets go in there for a pint., The second guy says, They wont let us in with our dogs., First guy: Sure they will, just follow my lead., He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, I cant let you in here with that dog., He replies, Oh, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He wasnt familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queens lead and hope for the best. short for? A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not Milton Jones, What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? After they were caught, they finished each others sentences. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.. Why would you post that sign? Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.Submitted by L.B. "What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland? 200 Best Reader's Digest Jokes of All Time This isnt even real. I know, he says. To get to the other side. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. You havent been here a while, havent you? I asked. We missed the R! ! Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Check out the most Canadian headlines of all time. Well, the hut one on the left is where I live, says the man. Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? I laughed at all of your jokes My love you didn't need to coax Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried anymore . Why did the chicken go to the sance? You still havent used the present I gave you last year.Submitted by L.B. PostedJune 30, 2019 Your secrets are always safe with me. Give me my scotch! The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks. Its these harrowing situations that wake you out of a sound sleep suddenly fresh with dozens of snappy one-liners you wish you would have said. The day shes discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. The woman responded, Shes a dentist. GCFL.net, A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A man at a restaurant orders Swedish meatballs. Hows it work? Watch, said the drunk. Submitted by Rita Hickey, A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. No problem, the sales clerk answered. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise. Thats amazing, the woman said. Well, historically speaking, more powerful., 19. You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. Love you too. Laughfactory.com, Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, Even if you were an only child, you still wouldnt be Mom and Dads favourite. Submitted by Denise Horn, While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. Finally, after wed seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. As it happens, theres a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. Thats him, comes the reply. Couldn't organise a blow-job in a brothel. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? ", "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Who could think of safe, new football jokes? Never again. But doesnt that suit fit great?. Sometimes, people just need to be told. The steaks are too high. Submitted by Tommy Cooper, As an assisted-living caregiver, I have a 92-year-old client, Margaret, with whom I bake cookies. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment., The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. [Read: Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in]. I thought, thats Abba-riginal.

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